Compartmentalizing Emotions..

Have you ever had a certain place in  your memory that is so devastating and sad that you have to block it out so that you never remember it? I have memories like that- one of the worst ones that I have ever had was the day Roscoe died..I have so much sadness from missing him, but I am so afraid that if I let myself think about him too much, I will completely lose it. And even when I do allow myself to cry, I have to close certain doors and not let myself open them in fear of what I will find behind them... I call it compartmentalization- I have done it all of my life. I am a person that feels deeply, so when I hurt, I hurt very deeply..

According to Wikipedia, compartmentalization is an unconscious psychological defense mechanism used to avoid cognitive dissonance, or the mental discomfort and anxiety caused by a person's having conflicting values, cognitions, emotions, beliefs, within themselves. Although, I do sometimes compartmentalize unconsciously, I also realize that I also do it consciously- for me, it keeps me from having too many emotions and feel too much pain at once..

From an emotional standpoint, I know that this is not the healthiest thing to do, but it is a process that works for me. I did the same thing with my Dad after he passed- I was so devastated that I just made myself stop thinking about him all of the time. When I think about it too much, I get extremely sad, especially with him being sick with Parkinson's Disease from when I was 12 until I was 22- I spent most of my young years with my Dad when he was sick, taking care of him. And I didn't mind it, I loved him and I am so happy that I was able to be there with him everyday- I lived at home until I was about 20, until I met my future husband. I am mostly sad that I didn't have my Dad at the important moments in my life like my choir recitals or walking me down the aisle at my wedding and giving me away - those are things that I will never experience.

Lately, I have tried to escape by reading books back to back, at night- drinking until I feel numb (I can't tell you how many bottles of wine that I have gone through in the past month)..but at some point, I have to be sober and I have to face reality..honestly, I don't want to, it hurts so much..

I have such a deep-rooted issue with endings, with good-byes, with finality..I hate it, I hate sickness, I avoid funerals, death...I think even more-so because I watched the most important people in my life-my Dad and my Father in law slowly leave me, right before my eyes. And now recently, with Roscoe, I was literally holding him in my arms when he took his last breath..that was the worst moment of my life and I am still not over it- I just know how to put it in a compartment and ignore it. Just knowing that my Dad or Roscoe is never coming back is what really kills me, there is no hope, no matter what I do, I will never see them or hug them again until I get to heaven one day...but all I can do now, is pray for God to put the broken pieces of my heart back together. I have so much love that I need to share it by nurturing, uplifting and helping people- it's what I was made for..it's what makes me happy..

I know that God has a plan for me- plans for good and not evil, plans to give me a hope and a future. I know that he wouldn't take Roscoe from me, without replacing it with something good. As always, I will put my trust in God and hold on until he places me where he wants me.

Life for me has been a journey of ups and downs, I'm just so grateful that I have God to lean on, if it were not for him, I would be afraid of where I may have ended up- I can't tell you how many times that I have hidden under the shadow of his wings, where I know that I will always be safe from anything. As long as I have God on my side, I can get through whatever I have to..