Lots going on in my life, some new progress with the house and life in general. I will elaborate more about it over the weekend, but for today I just want to keep things simple and post some of my favorite Fall things!
I always second guess myself when I want to come here and write about my true feelings- I just worry that I will come off as a constant complainer, but I never vent to anyone, except to my husband. I just don't have that trusting relationship with anyone enough to open up about things. The only thing that makes me publish these posts is that someone may possibly be going through the same thing and it's nice having someone else to relate to//
So here is what happened Friday afternoon- I ended up working a little later and dropping off some work mail on the way home, I was in the vehicle already stressed out about everything. I had told my husband that I was on the edge, that the tiniest thing would send me over the edge, I literally have been sitting on nerves. I have been having extreme anxiety again with work being so stressful lately, family harassing me and now the house construction is chaos to live in- my husband is doing his best with working full time too and we are trying to save money because we don't have the extra to spend, but it's extremely difficult trying to do all on your own.
Sometimes, I feel like people look to me to take their problems on, but I have my own things to worry about and when I take on my life and other's on my shoulders- I end up being overwhelmed and breaking down. I do not want to be superwoman, but most people don't really know how much that I really do on a daily basis- I never have any time for myself, I am ready to have some fun and live life and not feel like I am working every second of my life. Lately, I feel like a hamster on a wheel, not going anywhere. I haven't had anytime to breathe, to take care of myself or to focus on my own goals and dreams. I've been staying awake with anxiety, feeling stuck and held back in life- I have so much that I want to do and the stress is starting to show in my weight gain, crying/depression, lack of sleep and being snappy (mostly to my poor husband).
So when we got home, seeing the construction chaos after a long day and working late at work- I was standing at the sink washing dishes and I just had a break down. I told my husband I had to get out of the house and take a walk. I walked and cried and talked to God about all of my problems and stress for about 30 minutes and afterwards I felt so much better. I went to my heavenly Father and he listened to me and I know that he is going to take care of things for me- I am his daughter and I know that he loves me//
You never know what someone is going through, so treat everyone kindly with compassion and fairness. We don't know what battles they may be fighting. I know the battles that I have had to face in life so I treat everyone with love and kindness every day, no matter how bad my day or week has been.
I do plan on being proactive and stop taking on so much at a time and take time to go away and relax. I have to take care of myself or I am no good to anyone. It's easier said than done, when you have an unfinished house and tons of things that need to be done, but I am hoping to take small steps like going out for a couple of hours just to get a breather away from the madness.
All I know is, that I poured my heart out to my heavenly Father and things will get better soon- that I know with all certainty! Write, Vent and Pray- that is my process--it's my therapy// Do you ever feel like your life is flying by and you are just going through the motions and not really enjoying life?
Sorry I have been absent from blogging lately, but I have been extremely busy trying to get the garage cleaned out and organized. The more that I get rid of, the happier that I feel- I hate clutter & unnecessary stuff! An added bonus is that I have made almost $150 so far- definitely saving the extra money for decorating our new home.
I'm also really excited because my husband is putting down wood floors this week!! These are the first wood floors that he has ever put down and I have to say, they really look amazing! It looks like I may be shopping for a dining room table this weekend!! I'm so excited to have dinners at an actual table and not at a computer desk or in front of the TV. It's amazing how sometimes we don't realize how monumental the small things truly are in life until we no longer have them.
We still have a long way to go, with the house siding and the shower tile next on the to-finish list, but things are starting to come together. Our house is becoming a home and I am looking forward to the journey//
I apologize in advance- if you are looking for a happy post, this is not it. I just need to be honest and get some things off of my mind..
Today was not a very good day for me. I'm emotionally spent- dealing with my family and the emotional abuse. It's back and forth, they are nice to me one second, then once I think they really love me and get my hopes up that I will finally have a family that really loves me, that's when they stab me in the heart with their words and lies. I'm so drained from dealing with people who hurt me with no thought for my feelings. When I try and tell them the deep hurt they have put me through, they just over-ride everything that I say and act like it's trivial. They don't even listen and in turn I never heal- it's a vicious cycle and I am so full of sadness. It hurts me that I don't have a family that understands me or loves me for who I am.
It's the most difficult thing, when you don't feel like you have the love and support of your family. Not having their support and love, has caused me so much anxiety and insecurities in my life which I have to constantly pray over. I have so many issues even trusting other people, trusting that they have my best interest at heart. I have a difficult time even being around people now, conversations are like torture for me because I feel like I am always wearing this mask to cover up all of the hurt that I hide deep within. I have to let this go soon, it's eating me up inside to where it's seeping to the outside and I am finding it impossible to hide..
I'm told by my family that I'm too sensitive, that I need to wake up and that everyone else has gone through things too, that I'm not the only one that has gone through difficult times. I understand that other people have been through difficult times, but I believe that everyone deserves a chance to truly be heard and not have someone say things like "You're not the only one" "Other people have it way worse than you" "You need to be thankful"- I deserve to have someone to just say "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that" or just be there to listen and give me a hug. I have a right to my feelings- I hurt just like everyone else and am actually even more sensitive even though I hide it well. They weren't there for me when I needed them the most in the darkest times in my life. I felt all alone, abandoned, rejected, and unloved- no one should ever be made to feel that way...
I hide my feelings because I am scared to open up and have people hurt me. I would rather keep my walls up than let them down just to have someone let me down, once again. I just don't understand why they have to pull me down and hurt me. Why can't they just love and support me? I have been nothing but kind to them- I have always been there when they needed me. Why would they want to hurt me in return? I just don't get it. Lately, I have lost so much faith in humanity- I see so much selfishness and unkindness in this world and a lack of compassion towards others..
Today was just one sad day out of many days, I will do like I always do and brush it off and go on with my life. I have to learn to love myself and be happy, I deserve to be treated with fairness and kindness. I am proud of myself because this time, I finally stood up for myself and told this person that I was not going to take the abuse anymore. It literally broke my heart when I told them that I needed to not be around them, because this person is my older sibling, but they were unwilling to listen to me and continued to lie and hurt me, even when I practically begged them to love me and to please listen to no avail..I really thought it was going to work this time.
But you can't make someone love you and sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, you just have to take a step back and let go and see if they love you enough to come back. All I can do now, is pray for my family and pray for healing, especially for myself. I know that God is the restorer of all broken things..only He can bring healing and restoration..
For those who are new to my blog, Roscoe, our dog of 15 years, passed away this past April (I wrote about it here and here) and my husband and I were beyond devastated. I would have to say, it was one of the most depressing times of our lives. I literally didn't eat for an entire week and would just break down in tears constantly. I can honestly say that I have never been so sad and in such a dark place emotionally. It now has been almost 6 months since he has been gone and we still miss him so much.
Most people don't know that my husband and I made a decision many years ago that if something were to ever happen to Roscoe that we would have him preserved so that we could always have him by our side. The morning that he passed away, we cleaned him up, clipped his nails and drove the 3 1/2 hours to the Bear Claw Taxidermy Studio in Covington, Georgia where one of the best Taxidermists is located.
We left Roscoe with them and I prayed that they would create Roscoe exactly how we remembered him. And I have to say, today when we drove to Covington this morning (after waking up at 3:30 a.m.) to pick him up- we were amazed when we stepped into the shop and saw him for the very first time. He had that look on his face that he had often- that look of him listening to my husband & I talking and being interested in our conversations. My husband who rarely sheds a tear, even choked up a little bit..it was so strange seeing him after almost 6 months had passed.
On our way home, with Roscoe in his favorite bed, we even stopped by Roscoe's favorite place to eat- Chick Fil A and got lunch. He rode with us like he had always done when he was alive- he loved going everywhere with us and he went on so many trips and adventures with us//
We are extremely happy with how Roscoe turned out- I was nervous that I would be overwhelmed with sadness again- when we pulled up in the drive, my heart dropped into my stomach. But my husband and I were both pleasantly surprised that we actually enjoy having him here with us, a tangible presence- the only way that I know to explain it, is a feeling of comfort having him here with us and being able to see him and pet him. Now we can look at his little face everyday and watch videos of him and that gives our hearts great happiness//
Hi lovelies, how is your week going so far? I'm a little tired myself this week- work has been extremely busy and there is still so much to do at home before the house is completed which means lots of late nights of staying up working. Even my Coffee + Starbucks Refreshers + B complex combination isn't doing it for me today. By the way, do you like my new Blog Design? Suzana from thisgirldesign designed it- pretty gorgeous, right? If you need a blog makeover, definitely check out her Etsy Shop!
We have managed to get a couple of things done on the house lately- the husband installed my food pantry last week! And he is currently working on the bathroom wall tile, afterwards we can put up the curved shower rod- I'm so ready to have a shower!
This weekend, we are planning to start putting down the wood floors if we our nails get shipped in time, but if not, the husband will be working on siding while I start organizing for a garage sale. I'm so tired of "stuff"- I can't wait to get rid of 90% of it and start fresh!
Life is going to be so different for us when we can start living a normal life like having dinners at an actual dining room table. I am looking forward to the days when we can come home from work and not have to work more! Soon!
This is exactly what I picture when I think of weekends- I cherish my weekends. It's my time to get things done, but also relax and catch up on life.
Today my husband is working on the bathroom wall tile while I have been unpacking boxes and organizing the closet. We went food shopping on Friday and tried to find a bathroom mirror and vanity at different stores, but we were not successful. I also ordered the flooring nails, a new charger for our mini iPad and advertised some items on the local swap & shop. My husband also helped me make a new art easel- I have been wanting one for years and I decided to use the left over wood and stain that we have lying around and make one myself! I will post pictures soon!
I love weekends like this that are so productive and fun at the same time. I am so excited for when we are finished with the house and can start going on more weekend trips and start enjoying life more! We have plans coming up the 1st of October to rent a pontoon and just chill out, have a picnic and drink some wine. Life is too short, not to soak up every moment//