“The people you think are the happiest are usually the saddest; that's because they see more and feel deeper than others do. They are the sensitive and they see beyond the veil of what's tangible and what's not. They wear no masks and can see through the masks of others. The sensitive to life are few in number, which is why they feel so alone...because they are all alone.” - Donna Lynn Hope
Those two quotes, explain who I am perfectly. To say I've had a rough few days is an understatement.. I'm not posting this via Facebook like I normally do, because I really don't want to invite people to read this, because it's such a sad post but I just need to get some things off my chest. I want so badly to be this happy and positive person. I hate feeling sad or burdening others with my issues but there is so much sadness in my heart that it's really hard to hold it inside.
The first of this week, my sister messaged me after over 3 months of not talking- asking how I was doing and we ended up talking back and forth. I tried to explain to her how hurt I was from the things her and my other siblings had put me through- several of my family members had spread malicious rumors about my marriage and it cut me to the core. I have always been on one side because I am extremely different (they have never accepted me) and they are on another side- I went through being verbally attacked & made fun of by siblings and their friends,and all of my family sat back and allowed it to happen.
I remember when our dog, Roscoe was paralyzed and I went to visit my Mom on a Friday after work- my brother came in and my Mom told him that he couldn't hug me because I had Roscoe in a baby sling and Roscoe wouldn't like it because he was very overprotective of me. My brother said, "let him bite me and I will knock that dog in the head." Anyone who knows me, knows how much I loved Roscoe and on top of it he was paralyzed and had been depressed. I don't know if you have ever been around an animal when they are depressed but it's heart-wrenching, especially when you can't do anything to take away their hurt. I responded back, if you touch him, it won't be pretty. I will always stand up for anyone being mistreated. But it didn't stop there, my brother launched into an attack towards me and my Mother sat there and never said one word. She didn't try to tell him to stop, or even try to diffuse the situation- I had to sit there with a sick dog in my arms and defend myself. I held myself together, not crying, until he walked outside and I broke down crying -my Mother didn't come to comfort me, she just let me cry. Just like right after Roscoe had died, I started crying at her house and she wouldn't hug me- she didn't say a word. She is the only Mother I have, but I don't feel loved or cared for by her and I have always had this huge void, not feeling loved. I feel alone, abandoned and rejected- my heart will probably always be broken knowing that I have this big family, but never truly feeling loved.
My sister and I continued to talk, and as always, she turned the situation around on me- everything was conveniently my fault and in her eyes I owe the entire family an apology. The only thing that I did was withdraw when several of them kept attacking me and my husband- I just couldn't take the abuse anymore. I was so shocked that after being the one who has been attacked over and over- that in her eyes I owed an apology instead of the other way around. I thought that talking it out would help me heal and that she would understand how deeply hurt I was but instead she just kept making jabs at me the entire conversation just to twist the knife more. Not once, did she ever really listen to what I had to say, it was all about her being right. For me, it's about being happy- I don't care who's right. Just acknowledge others feelings, apologize and move on. But she wouldn't give me that much- in some ways I feel that gives her the power to keep me in pain, knowing that we couldn't work things out. So now I will continue to feel tortured and guilty and take all of the blame.
I ended up being really upset by the things that she said, having to hold back tears until I got home today and I just broke down crying. I asked my husband- Why do they want to hurt me so badly? What did I ever do to them? I have always been there for them in their darkest moments and never tried to hurt them. Sometimes, it sucks being the person that I am because I always take the blame and give everyone chances upon chances even after they hurt me one too many times. I know that I am too compassionate, but I also love that side of me. I think it's extremely sad that people would take advantage of someone that gives all of their heart and love, just because they know that person will try to keep the peace and always see the best in others. It makes me want to crawl back into my shell and not allow anyone else in my heart..do you know how hard it is to trust someone and to truly discern if they truly love you or just want to use you? It's hard for me, because I have dealt with this all of my life.
Honestly, even now, I feel sorry for my family because I feel that by telling them that I can't be around them any longer is hurting them. I never want to hurt anyone, it breaks my heart right now to even think about one of my siblings in tears. I worry more about them than I do myself-but at one point, do I finally put myself first? If they would apologize and promise to stop hurting me, I could accept it and work towards a healthy relationship. But after our conversation, my sister ended up hurting me even more with her words. Even through 2 days of going back and forth trying to work through things, not once did I say things to try to hurt her- I know that once words are spoken that they can't be retrieved. I have experienced how deeply words hurt and I don't want to be guilty of doing that to another person.
The worst part is, that I truly miss my little nieces and nephews- that really breaks my heart into little pieces..if they have any ammunition, that would definitely be it. On the other hand, I don't believe that God expects me as a Christian to take constant verbal and emotional abuse- it just pulls me down and makes me focus on the wrong things. Today, I am just emotionally drained and need to not think for a while. I have to put it all in God's hands and I will be praying for my family from a distance- that's all I can do for now...
Those two quotes, explain who I am perfectly. To say I've had a rough few days is an understatement.. I'm not posting this via Facebook like I normally do, because I really don't want to invite people to read this, because it's such a sad post but I just need to get some things off my chest. I want so badly to be this happy and positive person. I hate feeling sad or burdening others with my issues but there is so much sadness in my heart that it's really hard to hold it inside.
The first of this week, my sister messaged me after over 3 months of not talking- asking how I was doing and we ended up talking back and forth. I tried to explain to her how hurt I was from the things her and my other siblings had put me through- several of my family members had spread malicious rumors about my marriage and it cut me to the core. I have always been on one side because I am extremely different (they have never accepted me) and they are on another side- I went through being verbally attacked & made fun of by siblings and their friends,and all of my family sat back and allowed it to happen.
I remember when our dog, Roscoe was paralyzed and I went to visit my Mom on a Friday after work- my brother came in and my Mom told him that he couldn't hug me because I had Roscoe in a baby sling and Roscoe wouldn't like it because he was very overprotective of me. My brother said, "let him bite me and I will knock that dog in the head." Anyone who knows me, knows how much I loved Roscoe and on top of it he was paralyzed and had been depressed. I don't know if you have ever been around an animal when they are depressed but it's heart-wrenching, especially when you can't do anything to take away their hurt. I responded back, if you touch him, it won't be pretty. I will always stand up for anyone being mistreated. But it didn't stop there, my brother launched into an attack towards me and my Mother sat there and never said one word. She didn't try to tell him to stop, or even try to diffuse the situation- I had to sit there with a sick dog in my arms and defend myself. I held myself together, not crying, until he walked outside and I broke down crying -my Mother didn't come to comfort me, she just let me cry. Just like right after Roscoe had died, I started crying at her house and she wouldn't hug me- she didn't say a word. She is the only Mother I have, but I don't feel loved or cared for by her and I have always had this huge void, not feeling loved. I feel alone, abandoned and rejected- my heart will probably always be broken knowing that I have this big family, but never truly feeling loved.
My sister and I continued to talk, and as always, she turned the situation around on me- everything was conveniently my fault and in her eyes I owe the entire family an apology. The only thing that I did was withdraw when several of them kept attacking me and my husband- I just couldn't take the abuse anymore. I was so shocked that after being the one who has been attacked over and over- that in her eyes I owed an apology instead of the other way around. I thought that talking it out would help me heal and that she would understand how deeply hurt I was but instead she just kept making jabs at me the entire conversation just to twist the knife more. Not once, did she ever really listen to what I had to say, it was all about her being right. For me, it's about being happy- I don't care who's right. Just acknowledge others feelings, apologize and move on. But she wouldn't give me that much- in some ways I feel that gives her the power to keep me in pain, knowing that we couldn't work things out. So now I will continue to feel tortured and guilty and take all of the blame.
I ended up being really upset by the things that she said, having to hold back tears until I got home today and I just broke down crying. I asked my husband- Why do they want to hurt me so badly? What did I ever do to them? I have always been there for them in their darkest moments and never tried to hurt them. Sometimes, it sucks being the person that I am because I always take the blame and give everyone chances upon chances even after they hurt me one too many times. I know that I am too compassionate, but I also love that side of me. I think it's extremely sad that people would take advantage of someone that gives all of their heart and love, just because they know that person will try to keep the peace and always see the best in others. It makes me want to crawl back into my shell and not allow anyone else in my heart..do you know how hard it is to trust someone and to truly discern if they truly love you or just want to use you? It's hard for me, because I have dealt with this all of my life.
Honestly, even now, I feel sorry for my family because I feel that by telling them that I can't be around them any longer is hurting them. I never want to hurt anyone, it breaks my heart right now to even think about one of my siblings in tears. I worry more about them than I do myself-but at one point, do I finally put myself first? If they would apologize and promise to stop hurting me, I could accept it and work towards a healthy relationship. But after our conversation, my sister ended up hurting me even more with her words. Even through 2 days of going back and forth trying to work through things, not once did I say things to try to hurt her- I know that once words are spoken that they can't be retrieved. I have experienced how deeply words hurt and I don't want to be guilty of doing that to another person.
The worst part is, that I truly miss my little nieces and nephews- that really breaks my heart into little pieces..if they have any ammunition, that would definitely be it. On the other hand, I don't believe that God expects me as a Christian to take constant verbal and emotional abuse- it just pulls me down and makes me focus on the wrong things. Today, I am just emotionally drained and need to not think for a while. I have to put it all in God's hands and I will be praying for my family from a distance- that's all I can do for now...
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