Honestly, I don't even know what to begin writing, a first for me I'm sure..the past seven days have been the most difficult my husband and I have ever been through. I have never been in such a deep dark depression in my life before and I have suffered some traumatic, sad things in life..I have never cried so much in my life or missed anyone so much..just when I think the tears were gone, they would come back again..just like they flow now..
I have been putting off writing this post, because I have been trying to bury my feelings, it just hurts too much to allow myself to remember how much I loved Roscoe- it's so much easier to ignore it and push down my feelings..to remember how he greeted us at the door when we came home or giving me kisses every day -remembering Roscoe, feels like someone is stabbing me in the heart over and over.. I would much rather physical pain than the emotional pain that I can't seem to escape..
I miss him so much- I couldn't bring myself to eat for 5 days, I have been barely existing day to day-
I can normally put on a smile and cover up my pain, but this time the pain was just too deep and I couldn't cover it up- this extreme sadness just overwhelmed me and nothing could make me happy, I could have won 5 billion in the lottery and it wouldn't have made me happy- only bringing Roscoe back would have made me smile..Every time that I thought I could push back the tears, more would come..
For us, Roscoe wasn't
just a pet for 15 years,
he was our child- we raised him from a tiny baby, just a few weeks old and we carried him everywhere with us. When he took his first steps, he immediately started following us around everywhere- we called him our little shadow. We fell in love with him and nothing in our lives would ever be the same from that day forward...
How do you put 15 years of love in one post? It's not possible- so that's why I just now decided that I will begin writing about Roscoe a few times per month- I want to remember all of the amazing times we had together- even as painful as it was to lose him- I would do it all over again, just to spend 15 years with Roscoe again- he brought so much joy, so much love to our lives.We loved him so much, we protected him from anyone who was unkind to him. There was many many times when we wouldn't leave the house when he was older and not doing well because we didn't know how long we had left to spend with him. We would let him get by with everything,
I didn't want us to regret anything with Roscoe- we wanted him to have everything that he needed to make him happy. Nothing was too much for our baby..even when he was paralyzed for 8 months, we stood by him and held his body up so he could use the restroom, we carried him around every day in a baby sling, bought him the best vitamins to help him get better- there was nothing that we wouldn't do for him..that is true love..
After his death- I went through all the stages- sadness, depression, guilt, no appetite, anger, bargaining with God, denial, disbelief, in shock, thinking that I still heard Roscoe or that I was in a bad dream and that I was going to wake up soon and it all really wouldn't have happened. I even prayed to God hours and even days after he died that I had faith that he could resurrect him like he did Lazarus- I literally knew that I was going to come home and Roscoe would be there alive..when he wasn't, I was depressed all over again. Then we just did everything to stay busy, go to work, work on house stuff at the land- anything to stay out of the apartment..
but we still had to come home at some point and walking through that door was the worst feeling of all- to know that Roscoe wasn't going to get up and come walking toward us like he always did-so excited for us to be home and I would scoop him up and give him kisses all over...
That Friday after work, my husband dropped me off at the apartment- I didn't feel good so I wanted to go straight home (Later I realized that me being sick was God working) I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn't spend that afternoon with Roscoe...as soon as I got home, like I always did, I scooped Roscoe up and kissed him and told him how much I loved him...I took him outside and walked him (I didn't know that it would be the very last time..) I even held him the entire time that I made him something to eat- I made him a plate to eat and he was still hungry, so I made him another little bit- I sat him on the bed and sat on the floor at his eye level and hand fed him and looked into his little eyes,
he sometimes had this look like he was saying thank you with his eyes and I always knew what he was trying to say...when he finished eating, I held him in my lap while I finished watching one of my shows. I always did that- he would sit in my lap when I checked my emails, listened to you-tube music or wrote blog posts...I always tried to spend every moment that I could with him -always remembering in the back of my mind that he was older and that I may not have forever with him..
When my husband got home, he sat on the couch and I would bring Roscoe to him so they could spend time together, like they always did..Roscoe adored that man...he would just lay in the crook of his arm and look up at him...many years ago, I realized how much they needed that time together and I would push them together knowing that one day it would mean the world to both of them.. I believe that God guided me in doing these things...
Later we all watched Survivor together then my husband and Roscoe went to bed and I ended up staying up about 30-40 minutes later enjoying some television on my own.
I remember feeling kind of down and I thought to myself..why are you down? Everything is going so well- Roscoe is walking and healthy, the house is going up, you love your job, your husband, family and friends..there was no reason at all why I should feel sadness. Now looking back, I had a sadness come over me because I knew something wasn't quite right..
A few minutes later, Roscoe jumped off the bed and came looking for me. He did that sometimes- he hated when my husband and I would be in separate places- he would go room to room spending time with each of us..I immediately scooped him up and we went to bed and he was happy..
Little did I know, that hours later our entire lives would be turned upside down and changed forever.
I remember Roscoe woke up coughing- not his normal cough, this time it was different..it was ragged and sounded like he was having a hard time breathing.
I immediately laid my hands on his back and began praying for God's healing or to please take him- I didn't want him suffering, it just broke my heart to see him suffer. He finally ended up dozing back off and
I just laid right beside him, cuddling him and kissing his little back..I had the hardest time sleeping at all that night. Shortly after, he woke up again and started making this gurgled bark and there was something about it that wasn't right. Roscoe hadn't barked any for a very long time and this bark sounded upset like he was trying to tell us something important- there was a desperation to it. That's when I again told my husband, something is wrong..we then turned on the light and picked him up to lay between us on the pillow. Roscoe's paw touched my husband and he again barked the gurgled bark- I could tell his airflow was getting more shallow- that's when I told my husband again, something isn't right and I began praying over him again- begging God to heal his body or take him so he wouldn't suffer- we just couldn't handle watching our baby suffer.
.I know now that Roscoe was trying to tell us that he loved us and wanted to say thank you for the life we had given him- he couldn't speak and his bark was the only way that he could get it across, it was so sad that he didn't have much breath left but he wanted us to know that he loved us...
The next few moments seemed to go by in slow motion.
.I knew he was going and I told my husband that we had to tell him goodbye or we would never get the chance again.. My husband was in denial and didn't want to believe it- I am usually the one in fantasy world, but I know that night that God shook my mind into reality- my husband started telling him bye and we just kept saying,
Mommy and Daddy love you, we love you so much. Roscoe kept holding on, he was worried about us (he always felt like he needed to protect me) and we had to tell him it was okay to let go (even though our hearts were breaking into pieces), that we loved him very much and that's when he finally let go and he lost bowel control, that's when I picked him up and my husband and I were crying..
I was holding him in my arms when he took his last breath..we couldn't move from the bed for a while, we were in disbelief and shock. I remember asking my husband to check his pulse several times..
Finally, we took Roscoe to the bathroom, where I took Roscoe his last bath and dried him off with a towel and blow-dried his little body. My husband clipped his nails and we cleaned his little ears, knowing that it would be the last time.
We took our time...we didn't want to let him go, we wanted to spend every extra moment with him..Even a week after, I can't bring myself to wash that towel or the shirt that I was wearing when he took his last breath in my arms...I still cuddle up in his blanket and smell his scent...I haven't moved his food bowl and I still have his cup of organic milk in the fridge. The cup that he ate organic ice-cream out of on that Friday night is still sitting on the sink, unwashed- I can't bring myself to wash it yet..
I can't even put into words the void there is without Roscoe here with us, it's so quiet and there is a huge void in our hearts that no one or anything will ever fill the way Roscoe did. He had the biggest, sweetest personality..he made the silliest, most adorable expressions..
I miss that little face. I miss holding him, I miss him sitting on my lap, his kisses, the pictures that we all took together, the places that we went together- my husband misses him sitting with him on the couch- he would lay right on his chest- he adored him..I miss our walks that we took everyday around Cherokee lake together. What we would do to have him back- believe me, I bargained every which way that I possibly could with God to please bring him back to us..
we would have given up anything, done anything to have Roscoe back with us..
Do me a big favor, if you have a pet, please kiss and hold them, spend time with them.. take them with you wherever you go, whenever you can...don't take one second for granted..even though we did so many things with Roscoe, there are things that I regret like not taking Roscoe to the beach this year, even though it was on my list to bring Roscoe. I allowed life to get busy and take that away from me..it's so easy to be busy and not take time with those we love...Don't forget about your family, children and friends- take time to spend with them, you don't know when it might be your last chance...
If I could have one wish, it would be to be able to rewind life and have a second chance..
Dear Sweet Roscoe, Mommy and Daddy love you and miss you so very much..we are sad that you are no longer with us, but we know that at the same time you took your last breath on this earth and our hearts broke into a billion tiny pieces that at that very moment, God was taking you into his loving arms surrounding you with his love and peace....We are happy that you are no longer suffering with old age and you can now run again with other dogs and you are soaking up the beautiful sunshine and are surrounded by love...We will see you one day again in heaven we promise. We love you so much...
