If you've never watched this video by King & Country "Without You"- you should watch it- for me, it relates to how I felt with losing my Dad and my dog, Roscoe- letting go of those that I love is the most difficult thing that I will ever do in my life//
Today was one of those days- ever have those days when something triggers you and just makes you sad? That's how I felt today- I felt so alone and invisible like I didn't matter really to anyone.. and then I started missing my Dad, and then my dog, Roscoe- they were the two in my life that loved me unconditionally and the hardest for me to let go and I really don't know how to let the sadness go. It's always there deep down, until something triggers it, then I can't stop crying..Sometimes, I have to just cry, release the pain so I don't drown in it...Do you ever completely let go of that kind of pain? I never want to forget them..
It's extremely difficult to cope when you always feel like a piece of your heart is missing- I wish I knew how to completely heal, I hate feeling broken..I am one of those people who has a very difficult time letting go, I just keep holding on, holding on...even when someone's gone or when they no longer treat me kindly. My heart and the love that I have feels too big for this world sometimes//
My heart has been so broken lately, because it recently came to light that several of my siblings really could care less if I existed- I guess I just always hoped that I could have a relationship with my brothers and sisters and that they would learn to finally love and accept me for who I am. I am so envious of sisters who have a close relationship or who look up to their older brothers...I lost my Father over 14 years ago, so when he died, I really needed my older siblings to be there for me and support me..like I have always done for them. Instead, soon after, the family dynamics changed drastically and I found several of them turning on me. I was just so hurt- I cried so much and couldn't figure out how to fix it so that they would love me. I didn't realize that I should never have to prove myself or change who I am so that someone will love me. I guess my lesson for the upcoming new year, is if a person wants to leave you, let them walk away, don't try to beg them to stay, let them go. Letting go of someone you love, even if they are alive, is still a huge loss- it's letting go of what used to be, the good times that you had with that person- like my older sister tucking me in to sleep or my older brother threatening to beat up the boyfriend who was treating me unkindly..it's like a death of what used to be//
So right now, in this moment, even before 2015 arrives- I am releasing this burden from my shoulders- I am letting go of the relationships that no longer exist, the hope of people changing for the better and memories that will never be relived again. I am letting go of the fact that I can't make someone love me or see me for the true me- people are going to believe what they choose to and I will never be able to change their mind. I release it all to God, I am tired of carrying it around with me every day-it's such a heavy burden. I can't go forward in the future that God has planned for me, if I keep living in the past and what might have been.
I want to go into 2015 leaving all of this behind me, I am so ready for a new year, a new beginning- I am ready for good things to come into my life, I want to be happy again. I hope that if you have anything that is pulling you down and breaking your heart, that you will let it go today. It's not an easy thing to do, but I believe that things will start looking up once we leave our burdens behind and let God take care of them.
What are you having a hard time letting go of?