At the end of my rope...

{I adore Kari Jobe- if you get time, listen to more of her songs and teachings on YouTube}
 My favorite part of this song is at the very end, where she sings "I know that you are for me, I know that you will never forsake me in my weakness" that part hits home because this is the weakest that I have ever felt in my life-lately I feel all alone}. But I have learned at my lowest and weakest points in my life is when God reaches down and picks me up and does his best work..I know that he hasn't forgotten about me..


Honestly, I have been putting off writing this blog post. Most of the people that know me- know that I don't like to share much about myself- when I go through difficult times, I tend to keep it to myself and just pray to God about it. I don't know what it is about me, but I've never liked talking about my problems much- it just always comes off as complaining and I have never wanted to be seen as negative or the girl that always complains and is burdensome to others, so instead I bottle everything inside and keep things to myself.


But lately... I have been going through a lot, like so much that it's beyond my stress level- it doesn't take much for me to break down crying these days (and I do sometimes and I hide it from everyone) but mostly I get on my knees and pray. We have a lot already going on with our house we are selling, trying to build a new house and working full time jobs- but the most stressful part of it all is what our dog, Roscoe is going through- we took him to the vet as a last resort to have blood work done to see if he was deficient in anything and the Dr. came back with bad news saying that there was nothing that they could do, that he was in good health except for the fact that he can't walk anymore and they can't do anything about that. He hasn't gotten any better, it's extremely sad to watch him want to play and not be able to, to have to hold him up to go to the bathroom- when he tries to go on his own he falls on his face and can't even push himself back up to get up. He can't do anything on his own- he has different barks for everything that he wants- there is "I am thirsty" bark, the "I need to go to the bathroom" bark, the "I want a treat" bark, the "I want loving bark" and the "I am hungry" bark- so basically all day long he is barking and whining and sometimes it's stressful trying to figure out what he wants. I thought we had found a solution with the crib that my friend gave to me, but I came home one day to find Roscoe had gotten his head stuck between the slats and had to chew his way out- it was so terrible and made me feel so guilty. His little head had gotten cut and hair had worn off from him trying to get out for who knows how long- so now the crib is no more.


It literally breaks my heart in two... there is nothing that I can do but sit back and pray and give it over to God..my heart is so broken, lately I have been so sad even with all of the good things going on with our house selling and starting to build a new one- Roscoe is like my child and I can't imagine life without him..at this point things are bittersweet for me and I can't focus on the happy things when I think,"What if we start our next chapter without Roscoe? and for me that is just too devastating to think about....I don't want to imagine a life without him...


I am extremely stressed out all of the time and it's starting to show in my work, I can't think straight half of the time, my eyes are constantly bloodshot no matter how many eye drops that I use..between Roscoe keeping me up all night and me crying you can imagine.. I don't go anywhere anymore, I don't see family or friends or go do anything fun- after I get home from work, the rest of the time I am always with Roscoe.


Just to give you an idea of what we typically go through with Roscoe. The other day I just wanted to take a shower after moving things out of our old house- I put Roscoe on the bathroom floor and hop in for a quick shower and he just pees everywhere- I only had one towel so I had to use it to clean the pee on the floor and yell for my husband to grab two more towels so I can give Roscoe a bath and have a towel for myself as well. After I had taken him a bath and dried him off and put him back on the floor while I finished showering, then he started barking constantly and I had to have my husband come and get him- every few minutes he is upset or wanting something. That is how my life has been for 3 months now. I eat horribly trying to take care of Roscoe - I just don't have time to cook anymore- and I gave up working out when Roscoe first got sick because I just don't know how much time that I will have to spend with him..I just don't know what to do anymore, I've given up my whole life for 3 months to dedicate my time to Roscoe and I've reached the end of my rope...all I can do now is pray and hope for a miracle..


I am hoping that this is one of God's ways of using me to witness to other people and for him get the Glory from it..I never give up hope and I know that God can heal Roscoe's legs so that he can walk again. The main reason that I truly wanted to blog about this, is that I really want to come back here and be able to tell you all about how God healed Roscoe.


If anyone is actually reading this, please take the time to say a prayer for me..I could use all of the prayers that I can get right now..