My Life Being Renewed: Hello May..

Hello May..

May 6, 2014

I can't believe it's May already- it's been 1 month & 1 day since our little Roscoe has gone on to heaven and I still miss him so much. I thought that the more time that went by, that I could try to ignore it all and try to forget..but I can't forget him-it hurts so much still..when I think about Roscoe, my heart is so broken, I can't come to terms that I will never be able to kiss and hold him again- that is what hurts the most..

What also hurts is that everyone knew about it as soon as it happened and my husband and I haven't received even a phone call or text from several people including some of our own families to say they were sorry for our loss. I find it extremely sad that there are people that lack basic kindness and compassion to the point that they can't even acknowledge when someone is hurting..that is beyond my comprehension. Regardless if someone isn't a huge fan of animals, if I am hurting I just want my family and friends to be there.
On the positive side, we have had so much support from friends and some family calling, texting, emailing and it's nice knowing that there are people who do have compassion and care.. 

I know that I should be excited about our new house and I am to an extent, but a big piece of me left when Roscoe took his last breath..he was a huge part of me. I can't even think about that night or read the post that I wrote about how it all happened. I keep blaming myself for not saving him- I keep thinking of all of the things that I could have and should have done…I hope that I can forgive myself one day..

I am working on moving on, but it just takes more time for me than most- when I love, I love extremely hard and I give all of my heart and soul. I don't give that to many people at all- Roscoe and my husband were the only two in this world that I have ever given my heart and soul to completely without holding back, like I do with so many people- I have been hurt so much that I don't like opening up to people in fear of them breaking my heart when they leave or hurt me at some point..

I have been staying busy working on the new house and burying my nose in books constantly. Honestly, I have been reading a lot lately, sometimes even 4 or more books per week. I am not sure if that is the best way to heal- I tend to want to run away and get lost in other people's stories, so I can forget about my own sadness, even for a little while.

via Etsy

The good news is the house is going well- this week we have the electrical contractor, plumber, roofer and maybe even the heat/air being installed. I feel like the sooner we get moved into the new house, that we can leave behind some of the bad memories of the apartment, where it all happened and start some new nice memories. I think that right now, it is just too soon to expect to be back to normal. Everyone has to grieve in their own way and it doesn't happen overnight. I have my good days and my bad days, but in the end I know that things will get better and I feel like God has a plan for us..

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