Today was not a very good day for me. I'm emotionally spent- dealing with my family and the emotional abuse. It's back and forth, they are nice to me one second, then once I think they really love me and get my hopes up that I will finally have a family that really loves me, that's when they stab me in the heart with their words and lies. I'm so drained from dealing with people who hurt me with no thought for my feelings. When I try and tell them the deep hurt they have put me through, they just over-ride everything that I say and act like it's trivial. They don't even listen and in turn I never heal- it's a vicious cycle and I am so full of sadness. It hurts me that I don't have a family that understands me or loves me for who I am.
It's the most difficult thing, when you don't feel like you have the love and support of your family. Not having their support and love, has caused me so much anxiety and insecurities in my life which I have to constantly pray over. I have so many issues even trusting other people, trusting that they have my best interest at heart. I have a difficult time even being around people now, conversations are like torture for me because I feel like I am always wearing this mask to cover up all of the hurt that I hide deep within. I have to let this go soon, it's eating me up inside to where it's seeping to the outside and I am finding it impossible to hide..
I'm told by my family that I'm too sensitive, that I need to wake up and that everyone else has gone through things too, that I'm not the only one that has gone through difficult times. I understand that other people have been through difficult times, but I believe that everyone deserves a chance to truly be heard and not have someone say things like "You're not the only one" "Other people have it way worse than you" "You need to be thankful"- I deserve to have someone to just say "I'm so sorry that you had to go through that" or just be there to listen and give me a hug. I have a right to my feelings- I hurt just like everyone else and am actually even more sensitive even though I hide it well. They weren't there for me when I needed them the most in the darkest times in my life. I felt all alone, abandoned, rejected, and unloved- no one should ever be made to feel that way...
I hide my feelings because I am scared to open up and have people hurt me. I would rather keep my walls up than let them down just to have someone let me down, once again. I just don't understand why they have to pull me down and hurt me. Why can't they just love and support me? I have been nothing but kind to them- I have always been there when they needed me. Why would they want to hurt me in return? I just don't get it. Lately, I have lost so much faith in humanity- I see so much selfishness and unkindness in this world and a lack of compassion towards others..
Today was just one sad day out of many days, I will do like I always do and brush it off and go on with my life. I have to learn to love myself and be happy, I deserve to be treated with fairness and kindness. I am proud of myself because this time, I finally stood up for myself and told this person that I was not going to take the abuse anymore. It literally broke my heart when I told them that I needed to not be around them, because this person is my older sibling, but they were unwilling to listen to me and continued to lie and hurt me, even when I practically begged them to love me and to please listen to no avail..I really thought it was going to work this time.
But you can't make someone love you and sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, you just have to take a step back and let go and see if they love you enough to come back. All I can do now, is pray for my family and pray for healing, especially for myself. I know that God is the restorer of all broken things..only He can bring healing and restoration..